I Can’t Believe Oprah Hasn’t Called Me

A few months ago, I was talking to my husband about church.  You see, I like the idea of getting together with like minded people (or even not like minded I guess) once a week and discussing ways we can be better people.  You see, despite my sarcasm and constant swearing like a trucker, I am actually interested in making this world a better place.  So here’s what I like about church:

1 – Getting together to discuss how to be better people.  (I already said this once, pay attention.)

2 – Giving thanks for the things you have received, and asking for the things you want.  Putting it out there is important, whether it’s just to yourself, the Universe, or some higher power.

3 – Feeling a sense of accomplishment.

Here’s what I don’t like about church:

1 – Judgey Wudgeys

2 – All that talk about God.  (You see I’m one of those new wavians that likes to think of God in terms of the Universe.  Please don’t stop reading.)

3 – Putting on pants.

So I was trying to figure out how I would open my own “church.”  A place where people could meet up once a week and have a topic at hand.  I didn’t want it to be a book club because in my experience, book club night is mostly just finding out who actually read the book, discussing our favorite parts for about 10 minutes, drinking a lot of wine and then talking about blow jobs for the rest of the night.  So yeah, church should not be about blow jobs.

I feel like a weekly discussion of how to make people feel good (again NOT blow jobs), how to be better parents, how to set and achieve goals, and things like that would be super motivating and positive.  The only thing is that I’m super lazy so I never did anything like that.

And along came Oprah.  Stealing my thunder.

So one morning (on a Sunday no less) I see that Oprah has a show called “Super Soul Sunday.”   It is basically MY church on her network, and of course, she’s the host.  Each week there is a new, inspiring person, talking about get this, being a better person.  God damn it Oprah.

So now I have a new idea.  It’s a reality show.  You see, I was watching this new, super terrible show called Pretty Wicked Moms, have you seen it?  It’s terrible.  These women are the WORST to each other.  (Also, maybe I should watch less tv.)  Anyway, this show is all about these moms competing to be the best at everything and still be skinny and not pee their pants when they jump on trampolines.  It sucks.  Don’t watch it.  I was thinking that these reality shows now are about who can be the nastiest to whom all in the name of entertainment.  And we watch it!  And these people and networks make money off of it!  So I thought, HEY! what about a reality show where women are actually being kind to one another.  And then I thought BORING!  Because who is going to just follow me around with a camera and watch me be nice to people all day?  There has to be an end goal.  So, that’s the show.  A woman has a goal in mind, like say a half marathon 5K, and then her friends (like real friends, not fake ones) support her in that goal.  Like they show up and offer to run with her, or they give her running socks, or some other thing like that.  And at the end of the season, the final show is these super awesome, funny and supportive friends meet their goals together.

I mean, I’m a total sap, so obviously I’d watch that, but I think other people would too.  (How about it Oprah?)  Since Oprah doesn’t have my phone number, I decided to just do this in real life.  It’s time to step up to the plate and be a supportive friend.  I mean, not like I’m not a supportive friend, but I want to be a real live support in my people’s lives.  Because who doesn’t need another person on their team?


2 thoughts on “I Can’t Believe Oprah Hasn’t Called Me

  1. I would watch your show. As long as I could be a part of it…I would be the cool, international friend who flies in on special occasions.

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