These Words

I never thought I’d say this, but…

I’m getting induced tomorrow.

Here are the reasons I never thought I’d utter this phrase

1 – I used to not believe in induction unless it was medically necessary.

2 – My other babies were 13 and 22 days EARLY naturally.

Ok, so the list of reasons is short but they sum it up nicely right?  

So obviously baby girl has not come out yet.  My due date is still 5 days away, but I have been having regular, frequent contractions for 3 weeks now.  That’s right, 3 weeks.  Every god damn day.  For 3 weeks.  I am currently dilated to 3 cm and 80% effaced.  Tiny Dancer just will not descend.  She’s just hanging out up there under my ribs giving me heartburn every day and not pushing her little head down enough to get labor started.

Dr. Awesome thinks everything is just fine.  I guess sometimes in subsequent pregnancies the baby does not drop until you are actually in labor.  I, however, am riddled with anxiety every fucking day because that’s what I do to myself.  Additionally, the constant contracting is exhausting me to the point of sleeping 8-10 hours a night and still requiring 2 naps a day.  This is wreaking havoc on my work schedule and I’m ashamed to tell you that it has turned me into a shitty mom.  Every day.  I am so exhausted physically and emotionally that today I actually yelled the work “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” in my 18 month old’s face when he turned the tv off.  He started crying.  And so did I.  This is a typical day for us right now and it sucks balls.

So on Monday I talked to Dr. Awesome about what it would be like if I decided to induce.  She was on board and assured me that she thinks everything will go swimmingly and this little gal will be out in no time if I just give her a little push.  Trust me, I’ve tried everything.  E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I could possibly do on my own.  I’m out walking 3 times a day, galloping the curb, sex like I’m never going to get it again, membrane sweeping, spicy food, clary sage, acupuncture, yoga poses, birthing ball, and on and on and on.  It’s not helping.  She still likes it up there in my ribs.  

So tomorrow morning I call the hospital, bright and early at 5 am to see if I can come in to get pumped full of pitocin and get my daughter here.  I have mixed emotions about it all, but overall, I feel some relief and a whole lot of nervousness.  Nervous that I drank too much diet pepsi, nervous that she’s not ready (even though I know she is,) nervous that it’s going to hurt like hell, and nervous that I’m already making a shitty parenting choice before she’s even born.  Although, to be honest, I’ve felt that way with every pregnancy.  And each birth just brought so much joy and love that my heart wanted to explode.  So I’m trying to focus on that.

Wish me luck!!


4 thoughts on “These Words

  1. Oh, the debates we kill ourselves with. Don’t beat yourself up too much. I’ve had the pitocin with both of my labors and lived to tell the tale. They were both completely different experiences so I don’t think anyone’s fate is set in stone if they are induced.

    I CANNOT wait to see Little Miss! Please text me as soon as you are able. I’ll be freaking out all day on your behalf! Good luck! Love you!

  2. Doesn’t sound like a shitty choice to me & you certainly shouldn’t feel guilty (even tho you will) thinking about you today & hoping all goes smoothly & quickly

  3. Stella literally didn’t drop until I started pushing and my water finally broke. I’m hoping you have no issues with this either and your little girl came right on out to meet you this morning. Can’t wait to hear about it!

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